Monday, April 1, 2013

Breaking News = CDC Statement

The CDC has called a press conference for later today. Here’s the statement they just released on their website:

“CDC is collaborating with public health officials in many states and the U.S. Department of Homeland Security to investigate a singular outbreak of corporal reanimation. Public health investigators are using first hand accounts obtained through several church and religious groups to identify the case of the illness that may be part of this outbreak. They are using data communications from the Vatican, the organization that first identified the outbreak yesterday morning. Church officials claim that the subject was ‘alive and doing fine’ and that it was a particularly ‘good Friday’ but then things took a turn for the worse.”


It goes on to say:

“Since March 31st, 2013, a total of 1 individual infected with the outbreak strain of corporal reanimation has been reported. The subject who was very popular the previous Sunday was killed by the Italian mafia on Friday afternoon and buried in a cave. When they returned yesterday morning, the infected individual had escaped. A former prostitute who asked not to be identified said someone had scribbled ‘He has risen. Pilot can suck it’ on the wall of the cave, but that inscription has not been verified. The ill person has been seen wearing nothing but a shroud and complaining of sharp pains in his hands and feet. At this time, CDC is not releasing the name of the individual until it is determined how this illness is linked to the outbreak. However, some media outlets have observed the infected individual wearing a wristband with the letters WWID on it.”

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